the depths of despair

I have felt really alone this pregnancy and post partum. DH took two weeks off of work, but he still has school every day. He studies a lot and also works part time at the hospital. On Monday he goes back to work, so most nights he won't get here until 6 or 7pm and then he leaves again at 8pm to study. I guess it is understandable that I feel alone because I am alone. It really sucks. It is me here with a two and a half year old, and a newborn. I feel really overwhelmed. I know now for SURE that I can't have any more kids. Last night DH worked 7pm-7am at the hospital. He slept most of the morning and then studied the rest of the day. He spent some time with us tonight before he left for a good friends bachelor party. He feels really bad, I know he does. He goes out of his way to do things to make me happy (cleaning, laundry, etc.). It doesn't make a difference though. I am on medication for depression already. Maybe I need to have my dose reevaluated?!

I have friends nearby, but they are all newer friends. I never really get that close to anyone anyway, to tell them about this kind of thing. My sister lives not too far away, but she is so busy. I just feel like I have no one in the world to turn to. I can't expect everyone to feel sorry for me. Poor me, I am lonely. There are so many people with problems that make this look like nothing. It is not nothing though, I know that. I know from past experience how serious it is. I don't even really have time to get counseling. No one to help with my babies.

Today I have felt a little further on the edge than usual. I hate to to say suicidal, but there it is. I know the feeling WILL go away, for me it always does. I look at my babies and know how much they need me. I feel so bad/guilty that I could even consider ending it. They are so beautiful and I love them so much. I know the pain it would cause them in their lives, and that keeps me here.

I wish DH wasn't in school. I want him to change his career, because that is what will make him happy. I don't like the toll it is taking on my family though. I feel embarrassed that he often can't do family things with us b/c of his schedule.

Being a mom of two is terrifying. I haven't figured out how to get out alone with the two of them yet. I hope that it will get easier with time. I am worried that with winter coming we will be stuck home more than I would like to be. Since I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) winter is pretty rough for me to begin with. I am just hoping this winter someone, somewhere will cut me some friggin slack!! Throw me a rope here universe!