PPD and dropping the f bomb on the Walgreen's clerk

My script for my depression meds ran out last week. I called my doc to get a refill and the nurse said no. Apparently I missed an appointment and they would have to see me before refilling. I understand that, to a point. YOU DO NOT WITH HOLD BEHAVIORAL MEDS FROM A DEPRESSED PERSON. Not only does it put me at a risk, it puts my family at a risk. This is not news. I don't know what the F they were thinking. I finally got my script after being off meds long enough to feel suicidal.

I went to Walgreens to pick it up and guess what? More problems. The guy said he couldn't give me my drugs because he wasn't sure if the script I gave them had the "new safety background." I have always gone out of my way to be kind to service people. At this point though, I was in tears. I told him it "wasn't my fucking problem if they didn't have their shit together enough to keep track of that sort of thing." My script WAS on the right paper and they should have documented it, or at least called me (they had it for 24 hours and never bother to tell me there was a problem). I think at that point he saw what it was for, and how I was acting. He got the manager and they gave me my meds. THANK GOD.

It has been two days back on and I couldn't be at a lower place than I am right now. I am just holding on to the idea that they will kick in soon and I will feel better. I keep looking at my boys and berating myself for feeling this way. I am so blessed and yet I hate my life right now. I have been through this so many times, you'd think I would know better than to beat myself up. nah. I think this is the worst it has been for a long time though. I actually got angry at my 7.5 month old tonight because he wouldn't go to sleep and bit my breast. I had to walk away for a few minutes at that point. When I came back he was smiling and happy. That is my reason for living right now. My babies need me and they love me. Heck, they think I am the cat's meow. If I keep repeating it, maybe I will believe it.

That is all I feel like saying right now. I hope everyone else out there on Planet Mommy is having a better time of it than me right now.

I *heart* my Blueberry OS minky!

W is SUCH a good baby. He is happy as long as he has attention! He loves nursing and does so constantly. He is such a joy. I love waking up with his little face next to mine. He is so full of smiles and love all the time. Big Brother is having a rough time lately. We are having a lot of behavior issues. I checked Everyday Blessings out from the library. I really, really hope I can gain some insight from this book. I need it right now. I feel like DS1 and I are just not connected at all lately. We don't get along, and I can't seem to fix it. He will be three years old next week, I can't believe that. It has gone by so quickly. He is such a funny, quirky, smart little boy. It drives me nuts that we are having these problems.

*Here's to being a Mindful parent and being aware. I hope we can do better!*

I got a Blueberry OS minky for W, OH MY! I love it. I could carry it around all day, so sweet. I love putting it on him, but get so sad when I have to change him again! I really want one or two more, but they are such a splurge for me. I justify it b/c they are one size!!

DH is a full time student now. He can't have a job this semester, so yeah that sucks! We are used to having a good income from his career in IT. Yay for midlife crisis. He isn't even to midlfe yet either, only 32! ha ha.

I can't believe baby W is almost 2 months old! He is a moose baby, just huge. He can hold his whole chest off the floor and roll from front to back. I think he has a bit of reflux. He clears his throat, growls, coughs, spits up, grunts..you get it.

My SIL's pediatrician told her to start her 3 month old on rice cereal. I can't believe they are still telling people to do that. He said to only do it for a week or so to get her used to swallowing food, and then to begin giving her canned food! WTF? Crazy. Our ped told us to start DS1 on cereal at 4 or 5 months. We didn't of course! She also says to give them poly vi sol or something similar. I think they get what they need from breast milk! Kids have lived on EBF for hundreds of thousands of years!

I have been researching train trips for us, I think that would be so awesome. I know my boys would love it. W may not be old enough to care, but K would FREAK out!

the depths of despair

I have felt really alone this pregnancy and post partum. DH took two weeks off of work, but he still has school every day. He studies a lot and also works part time at the hospital. On Monday he goes back to work, so most nights he won't get here until 6 or 7pm and then he leaves again at 8pm to study. I guess it is understandable that I feel alone because I am alone. It really sucks. It is me here with a two and a half year old, and a newborn. I feel really overwhelmed. I know now for SURE that I can't have any more kids. Last night DH worked 7pm-7am at the hospital. He slept most of the morning and then studied the rest of the day. He spent some time with us tonight before he left for a good friends bachelor party. He feels really bad, I know he does. He goes out of his way to do things to make me happy (cleaning, laundry, etc.). It doesn't make a difference though. I am on medication for depression already. Maybe I need to have my dose reevaluated?!

I have friends nearby, but they are all newer friends. I never really get that close to anyone anyway, to tell them about this kind of thing. My sister lives not too far away, but she is so busy. I just feel like I have no one in the world to turn to. I can't expect everyone to feel sorry for me. Poor me, I am lonely. There are so many people with problems that make this look like nothing. It is not nothing though, I know that. I know from past experience how serious it is. I don't even really have time to get counseling. No one to help with my babies.

Today I have felt a little further on the edge than usual. I hate to to say suicidal, but there it is. I know the feeling WILL go away, for me it always does. I look at my babies and know how much they need me. I feel so bad/guilty that I could even consider ending it. They are so beautiful and I love them so much. I know the pain it would cause them in their lives, and that keeps me here.

I wish DH wasn't in school. I want him to change his career, because that is what will make him happy. I don't like the toll it is taking on my family though. I feel embarrassed that he often can't do family things with us b/c of his schedule.

Being a mom of two is terrifying. I haven't figured out how to get out alone with the two of them yet. I hope that it will get easier with time. I am worried that with winter coming we will be stuck home more than I would like to be. Since I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) winter is pretty rough for me to begin with. I am just hoping this winter someone, somewhere will cut me some friggin slack!! Throw me a rope here universe!

shit ass family

I have a rant. This particular problem is making me miserable and I am damn sick of it.

Background: I have a 33 year old SIL with two kids. She lives a block away from us. Her mom and dad support her (they bought her a nice house, pay bills, etc.). She has a masters degree, so it's not like she really needs their help. She can't even bother to take care of the beautiful home they bought her. Her younger son is a PSYCHO. Seriously if I listed his problems you would say "holy hell." He's going to hurt someone someday, it is almost inevitable. She really gives all of us APers a bad name. The ILs live an hour away from here. MIL drives down here ALL the time to watch her kids b/c she refuses to take responsibility for them. MIL is down here babysitting all week and then the kids usually end up going to her house on the weekend. They don't get a lot of time for watching/spending time with other grandkids because of this. It is really hard to swallow a lot of the time.

My problem: I am due tomorrow. MIL is the one who is supposed to come down and be with DS1 for the birth. We have made it pretty clear we would prefer him to be at our home, for his comfort and reassurance. She agreed that it was the best idea. I just found out that she has all these plans to babysitt for SIL this week. As in tomorrow, all day and night on Thursday, and Friday. I can't help but be pissed off. Can she not for once tell her NO, that she has other obligations? Heaven forbid she does that b/c then SIL throws a damn temper tantrum. We don't want our son over there at her house without us (due to the younger son and some previous problems). We don't really want her kids here since I plan on laboring at home and then going to the hospital. Not to mention the kid is messy, has no respect for our things, and I am just not comfortable having DS around him without DH or I there. There is no way to really get across how crazy the kid is, but as a mother I know it is bad enough that my son will not ever be left alone with him. DH agrees with me on this and is completely on board.

I just don't know what to do now. At some point they are going to have to stop being in denial about the truth, but it isn't my place to open their eyes. The one thing I DO know is that my child will never be put in a position where something bad could happen to him. Am I going to have to get someone else to watch him, or what? I am really upset because if I DO happen to go into labor on one of those days then what will we do with DS? Like having a new baby in the family isn't stressful for him. I will not have him dragged around picking boys up from school, etc. Not to mention, she promised she would bring him to the hospital RIGHT AWAY after the baby comes. I want him to be the first (besides us) to hold his brother. How is she going to bring him if she's carting around the other kids? She is sure as shit not bringing that little spaz to the hospital. I have enough stress/issues in my life, I do not need that. I don't even really want him to visit me in the hospital. I love the kid, but I really can't stand to be around him. It is just too much.

I know it is going to come down to someone having to say something. Maybe not now, but at some point. I hate the idea of that. I know it will be a blowout and can't stand that idea. I wish SIL would just grow the F up and be responsible for herself.

End. of. rant.

blech

Reasons why today isn't the best day I've ever had;

• there is a woodpecker going to town on the wood siding outside, driving me insane! Normally, I like his sounds.. not today!
• For every step forward I take getting our house organized, 3 steps are taken backwards. It is a slippery slope to slobville!
• Why do people keep asking when I am being induced, and then not understand when I say I AM NOT? Or they ask when my c section is, WTF people?! I thought I explained the whole thing to you, BEFORE I even got pregnant?!
• Why does my Siamese cat insist on pooping on the floor in front of my dryer instead of the litter box that is 1.5 feet away? So tired of cleaning poop off the floor!
• People keep calling and instead of a well meaning "how are you?" (which would irritate me, but I could deal with it)... they say "ARE YOU IN LABOR?" The next person that does that will not know anything until this baby is a month old.
• My EDD is not until Tuesday 10/16. I went past the EDD with DS and I am sure I will this time too. Get over it people. I am the one carrying this baby around, NOT YOU! I wish he would come now too, but it just isn't going to happen!
• DH, I am tired of picking up after you. I understand you have a busy work/school/study schedule, but you are NOT two years old!
  

Wow, what a chip I have on my shoulders today! I actually feel a LOT better just putting it down on print though. I am staying in my PJ's all day today and if I don't get any housework done, oh well!!

On a good note, I am so glad we FINALLY have Fall weather around here! I was beginning to think we were skipping the season completely!

freezer food

I bought the distilled white vinegar, baking soda, and some spray bottles. Now I need to figure out what to do with them! I am not sure of the chemistry of the whole thing. I need to search online to find out how to mix them, and store them.

I have 2 weeks until my EDD, and 3 weeks until my DD by my dates. I am SO sick of people asking inappropriate questions! I know it goes with the territory, but geesh! I am also sick of the comments I get when I tell people my plans as far as MY birth go. Either they aren't mainstream enough and I get crap for taking risks, or they aren't crunchy enough and I get crap for that. STOP GIVING ME CRAP! I am doing it my way, the way that is working for MY family. THE END.

We had a housecleaning, finish up some remodeling, and reorganizing marathon this weekend. We got a lot done. There is still enough to do to keep me busy for another week. That is good though, it will keep me from sitting on my birthing ball waiting for labor! ha ha. I have only frozen two lasagnas and some manicotti. We'll be sick of pasta after this baby comes. I did decide to order from our local make and take kitchen. You go in they have all the stuff ready, you prepare your meals and take them home. For postpartum mamas they will assemble them for you, for free. We are getting 7 meals and having them split in half (so 14 really). Since it is the two of us and a 2.5 year old that sustains himself on air and fresh fruit, splitting them is best. The price isn't really bad when you consider everything, it is about $120. I think it will be worth it and cheaper to the alternative which for us would be eating out. I remember those postpartum days with DS1 and I wasn't about to be making supper! I am looking forward to a peaceful babymoon.

I don't know about you, but the weather here is starting to resemble Fall. It is overcast, rainy and chilly! I love Fall, especially those crisp days!